Trademark this, why doncha?

Not one bit of the following piece of news could portend anything good.

I can’t remember where I read this, but apparently ‘Snooki’ is in the process of trademarking her name. (She's following a trail blazed by a castmate, someone who calls himself ‘The Situation,’ whom no one could ever - in about a billion years - confuse with the eminently cool someone who calls himself ‘The Edge.’)

If you don’t know who Snooki and The Situation are, good for you and go with God.

Full disclosure: I once tuned in to about seven minutes of Jersey Shore on MTV before I’d had my fill. The scene depicted a bar, people getting hammered, and young women fighting with each other, to the point of punches and slaps. We’ve come a long way, baby. I was never so proud to be a liberated woman! We can now get wasted in public and brawl exactly like only idiotic men used to do.

Here’s why this is horrible news. Once Snooki has her trademark registered, you know what we’re going to be subjected to, don’t you? Snooki lingerie. Snooki jewelry. Snooki fragrances. And God help us - Snooki vodka. It’s inevitable. You won’t be able to swing an empty keg without hitting Snooki merchandise.

What I can’t quite figure out here is this: when did becoming a ‘celebrity’ (and I use that word in the most casual sense when it comes to the Jersey Shore cast) mean you could bankroll that moment into a cottage industry? Seems like this is a fairly recent phenomenon. Think about it.

All things being equal – meaning you have achieved at least a modicum of fame from a television show and have collected legions of fans – someone please explain to me why we weren’t treated to the following trademarked items over the years:

Lisa Douglas lingerie – no one wore chiffon and silk negligees in a cuter, sweeter way than Eva Gabor in Green acres.

Marcia Brady lip gloss – a no brainer. What was Maureen McCormick – or more correctly, her agent – thinking?

Ann Marie mascara – no one – before or since – wore mascara and eyelashes as brilliantly as Marlo Thomas in That Girl.

Vinnie Barbarino jeans – John Travolta and his jeans burst into our living rooms in the late ‘70s like few have since when he became the breakout star in Welcome Back, Kotter.

Cliff Huxtable sweaters – made a part of the 80’s culture by Bill Cosby in The Cosby Show.

One could make a reasonable argument that any one of these actors had more of a trademark opportunity in his or her day than Snooki whatever her name is will have in her lifetime. Which is why her trademark effort is so annoying.

Even more annoying will be the thousands of fans who line up to buy her merchandise. I hate to fall back on a familiar line but it's served me well in the past and it may serve me well now: We're doomed.