This is mostly just questions. Prompted by SATC and too much Tiger in the news.

In Sex and the City, a movie I’m still not sure I like, married couple Miranda and Steve go through a painful separation after he admits he had sex with another woman. According to Steve, he and Miranda had been through a distant period in their marriage with very little intimacy between them and “it just happened once” with someone else and “it didn’t mean anything.” He also shares these sad, plaintive statements: “Don’t know how I could do that to you.” “It just happened.” “I wasn’t thinking.”

I guess that’s exactly what someone says to the spouse they discover they truly love after straying into warmer arms for a night or two or twenty and then harboring guilt and regret. But here’s the thing. I don’t understand how something like this can “just happen.” It “just happens” only when one partner puts themselves in a situation where it can not only “just happen,” it’s very likely to happen.

I have a lot of friends who are men. Not once did I ever find myself in a compromising position with any of them. (I have no idea if any of them believe the “When Harry Met Sally” theory about men wanting a sexual relationship with just about every woman they know.) For me, I have two reasons I’ve never had an affair:

1. I’m married.

2. I have too much respect for my husband, my male friends – and their wives – to ever risk their friendship over an affair.

Many years ago, a (guy) friend of mine told me something profoundly simple: “The easiest way for a man to never, ever cheat on his wife is to never, ever be alone in a room with any woman other than his mother or his sister for any length of time.” [Needless to say, he was true to his word and he and I were never alone anywhere, anytime.] Did we meet to share a drink occasionally; or a lunch; or have a friendly phone call or even an out of town trip or two over the years? Yes; to all of those things. But don’t misunderstand this: his statement wasn’t protesting too much. I never doubted his commitment to his wife and family.

Maybe he sounds kind of extreme; maybe not. We’ve all heard stories about workday trysts in empty conference rooms or in deserted offices or parking lots, stolen moments in the meeting room, the church basement, or near the soccer field, not to mention in out-of-town hotel rooms. Sounds like a pretty good rule to me, for a married man or married woman.

But you know what line I never understand in this SATC scene between Miranda and Steve in the movie? It’s when Steve tries to comfort the distraught Miranda who is rejecting him and their marriage by saying, “It’s still me.”

Miranda answers in the only way that makes any sense: “Is it?”

I think she has exactly the right response to that odd little notion. I need an explanation of his explanation. “It’s still me?” What does that mean? What’s still him? He’s still the guy who will cheat on his wife if he feels lonely or neglected or – you’ll forgive the vernacular – horny? Or he’s still the guy who loves her and desperately wants his marriage to work but his extra partner just happened while he wasn’t thinking? Which guy is he? A lunkhead who couldn’t help himself, who doesn’t know how he could have done this or is he a loyal husband who was seduced by a temptress?

Maybe he means it’s still him, completely familiar and recognizable to his wife but for this one teeny tiny little thing he did that was so startling: cheating on her. In which case, to me anyway – he’s just a little bit different than she ever imagined him.

I’m not saying this is a deal-breaker. That depends on the couple and their own situation and many other variables I can’t begin to quantify or judge. I have friends whose marriages have endured after an affair. I have others who have ended their marriage for the same reason. Again, not my call and I can honestly say I don’t know what my reaction would be in that situation.

But I am saying I’m not sure how in the movie, Steve can be both men at once: the contrite louse who wants forgiveness and the clueless stag who found a convenient and warm bed, even for just one night, although that appears to be his contention. He confesses his indiscretion, an act he deeply regrets; he loves Miranda and wants her forgiveness. The question is: is cheating on her just part of ‘him being him?’ And she’s supposed to forgive it on that basis?

Let me go on record here with one sort of sidebar thought for any married men reading this. I can pretty much guarantee you that if your wife is out in the workplace, or involved in your children’s school activities or volunteers with the church group or has a weekly bowling night out with her girlfriends, a man has hit on her. Yes, it’s true. Read that again: your wife has in all likelihood had a guy approach her in a sexual / romantic way, flirt with her or in other ways send her signals that he was interested in her. Maybe he was even someone you know.

What’s that? She never told you? No kidding. You know why? Because the idea of having an affair was so nonsensical she couldn’t be bothered to share it. She declines (almost of the time, women do decline) and moves on with a little something she calls reality. Flattering? Maybe. Kind of intriguing? Sure. Tempting? I’m guessing at least sometimes, yes. Something she will act on? Maybe, but unlikely.

Tiger Woods and Ashley Madison.com notwithstanding, turns out that most men and most women don’t cheat on their spouses. A study by the National Opinion Research Center concluded that a mere 3% of married women and 4% of married men have cheated on their spouses. Alternatively, the “American Sexual Behavior” survey concluded that 22% of married men have cheated and 15% of women. I could go on here but you get the point. Studies are flawed and statistics are skewed. No one knows the real stats behind infidelity. But even with these wide disparities, we’re not finding a majority either way.

Look, I fully acknowledge that some marriages are loveless, distant, cold and unsatisfying to the partners for any number of reasons. I fully acknowledge that there is such a thing as “irreconcilable differences.” I know that some people enjoy the illicit nature of an affair and love the excitement surrounding new love and the romance of it all. This might be easier on everyone if we just acknowledged this: you’ll probably meet some fascinating, interesting, attractive people throughout your life – despite being a happily married adult. Even the most loyal among us have to acknowledge a fleeting “crush” that goes nowhere and then fades.
But when a marriage is broken and irreparable, staying together is pointless and debilitating to everyone in or around the marriage.

What I can’t work out is how one partner can do something hurtful, know that it’s hurtful, and then explain it with something as pathetic as “It’s still me.”

If that’s the case, then maybe you just gave your partner a really good reason to walk away. As they leave you behind, they can honestly say, “It’s still me…just without you.”

What passes for integrity in Georgia these days?

Many years ago, before we had children, I used to accompany my husband on a golf outing once a year. No, we weren’t golfers – at least, I wasn’t. Our trips were work-related. He spent several years working as a videographer for a number of clients, attending PGA tour events annually from April to August.

Because of a personal friendship with one tournament’s producer, I was invited to accompany my husband to that particular event every spring. While my husband worked as a cameraman, following specific golfers around the course, or shooting every stroke on specific fairways or greens, I held such important jobs as labeling videotapes and driving the cart. Clearly, not exactly something that needed my personal touch but it did give me the opportunity to spend a long weekend on a gorgeous course and watch some great golfers once a year.

I remember one specific exchange that happened on the course one year, and in light of Mr. Woods’ return to Augusta next month, I think it bears some contemplation. As I sat down – inside the rope line, mind you, courtesy of my “press” credentials – I slipped off my sandals to revel in the gorgeous spring weather and feel the soft, warm grass under my feet. No sooner had I touched a baby toe onto the carpet that covers a golf course when one of the “officials” stepped over to me and quietly requested that I slip my feet back into my sandals and keep them there, thank you very much.

Because of the horrified look on his face, I have to assume that sitting barefoot on a golf course – especially during a PGA event - was simply not done by anyone with any sense of decorum. It wasn’t appropriate or accepted behavior. It wasn’t polite or properly respectful of the course and the people surrounding me. This wasn’t a weekend at the beach, for God’s sake. This was the PGA! Have some pride, woman! A little dignity!

Now, I’m well aware that a bare foot on a tournament observer, even if she is “working” at the event, is a far cry from shocking behavior but it sure felt like it was. And as I said, I can’t help but remember this feeling of humiliation as Mr. Woods is about to step foot onto Augusta National Golf Course and claim his place back on the tour. Sure, he’ll be wearing shoes but what about everything else he did to sully the dignity of the game?

My husband tells me my logic is flawed here. Whatever Woods did – he did off the course. He didn’t exactly debauch Magnolia Lane or the Amen Corner. Had he done so, tournament officials – even the PGA itself – may have been well within their rights to request that he remove himself from their event, even if only for a probationary period. Plus, he’s not exactly the first pro-golfer who turned out to be a cheating scumbag, despite a pristine reputation.

But my contention is that at this point in Woods’ career, it’s difficult to separate the professional golfer from the very highly compensated spokesperson he became as a result of his athletic prowess. From the admirable, upstanding family man he conjured up for the viewing public, which is about as far from reality as you could get with this guy.

So the question is: if a prominent person acts in a way that is morally questionable (at best) in personal life, must they somehow make up for that behavior by bowing out of the public life that helped them achieve their prominence? Depends on the person, I guess. And the act. Elliott Spitzer resigned his governorship. John Edwards withdrew from political life. Senator John Ensign resigned his committee leadership after admitting an affair with a campaign worker. Governor Jim McGreevey resigned after admitting his sexual orientation and his affair. ESPN fired commentator Steve Phillips following his disclosure of an affair with a younger co-worker.

On the other hand, Letterman is still behind his desk. Mark Sanford is governing South Carolina. Bill Clinton never resigned for God’s sake after having an extra-marital affair in the workplace, aka The Oval Office, with a much younger associate.

Maybe none of this would bother me so much if I didn’t remember the look on that guy’s face when he more or less asked me to behave myself and cover my bare feet. If golf is so pure; if it’s so respectable and mannerly and played by gentlemen, how could it ignore Tiger Woods' cheating? Why is it so easy to separate the athlete from his actions?

According to the PGA website, it makes enormous sense for Woods to rejoin the tour in Augusta. The Masters Tournament is among the most restricted sporting events in the world. “Media credentials are limited even in normal circumstances, and the club has tight control over who gets in. Some fans with season badges risk losing them forever for violating rules, such as being caught with a cell phone or a camera. Among the rules: No running.

Most players expect Woods to be heckled, although not as much -- if any -- at the Masters.

"That's why Augusta makes such good sense…There's less of that than anywhere else. Everyone is afraid to lose their ticket. The etiquette and behavior is far better than anywhere else because of the fear factor."

Legendary Augusta stories abound, including the (possibly exaggerated) one about sportscaster Jack Whitaker referring to the Augusta fans as a “mob” and subsequently being asked to remove himself from the proceedings by club president Clifford Roberts. Augusta National and the Master's Tournament refused television sponsors for more than two years after the national outcry about having no women among their members. Says a little something about the club's ability to finance a network broadcast from its own resources.

Augusta can be prickly but it seems to be consistently prickly. If anyone in the world of professional golf had had the guts to shun Woods and make a statement about honor and integrity, it would have been Augusta National. But they didn’t. And that’s just a little disappointing.

The perfect spokesperson at the perfect time for the perfect promotion.

This is one of those times when things just seem to line up for my own amusement.

Not 24 hours after I read the news about Tiger’s upcoming press conference – in the loosest sense of the word since he will confer with no one at no time about not one thing – I found a story lurking in my in box that amused me no end.

The Center for Biological Diversity distributed 100,000 condoms just in time for Valentine’s Day, in an effort for many of us to love carefully and care for our planet at the same time. I didn’t know that human overpopulation has a devastating effect on endangered species but I suppose that should have been kind of obvious. The more of us there are, the fewer American Burying Beetles we have room for, right? Randy Serraglio, a conservation advocate, puts it this way: “Human overpopulation is destroying the wildlife habitat at an unprecedented rate.”

Back to the condoms. They’re called Endangered Species Condoms and while that may sound kind of somber, don’t let anyone tell you the folks at the Center for Biological Diversity aren’t a fun bunch. Buyers can choose from the six varieties offered: polar bear, jaguar, snail darter, coqui guajon rock frog, spotted owl, and the aforementioned American burying beetle. The fun begins with the slogans attached to each:

Polar bear: wrap with care, save the polar bear

Jaguar: wear a jimmy hat (a jimmy hat??), save the big cat

Snail darter: hump smarter, save the snail darter – sounds romantic, right?

Coqui guajon rock frog: use a stopper (a stopper??), save a hopper

Spotted owl: wear a condom now, save a spotted owl

American burying beetle: cover your tweedle, save the burying beetle (Can we agree if you call it a tweedle you're not old enough for a condom?)

Free condoms were distributed in any number of expected venues, including in bars and at parties, as well as other places like supermarkets and concerts, by everyone from grandmothers to rock musicians. Demand was high, and more than 3,000 people volunteered to give out the samples.

Best of all – and this was my favorite part – five lucky people who entered the contest will win a lifetime supply of condoms. I’m wondering how the contest rule-makers come up with the number that works for each winner. If you’re 25 and unmarried, you get X amount. If you’re 45 and married, you get four. That should be enough to last you for the rest of your life. If you’re 80 years old and you win, go with God. But I really do want to know what a “lifetime” supply is and who figures that out.

Let’s get back to Randy and his words of good cheer for a minute. With a population projection of 9 billion by 2050, we should all be concerned about the lack of biological diversity that will result from that many of us on the planet. And – surprise! - Americans carry the most blame for this situation. According to Randy in the press release, the United States has the “highest population growth of any developed nation and extremely high consumption levels….We should be taking the lead in promoting policies that will stabilize global population.”

Super. One more thing American’s are ruining up for the rest of the world. Actually, more than one thing since we’re debilitating several species and upending the eco-balance for the rest of the world in the process.

But here’s the kismet that I just love about these two stories – Tiger and the endangered species condoms. It’s not enough that his nickname is Tiger and there’s a condom with a jaguar pictured on the package. Okay – they’re not the same but they are both predatory cats, right?

Here's the connection. Isn’t Tiger at least kind of worried about the endorsements that are now in his rear view mirror as a result of his back door activities? Problem solved! The endangered species condoms could probably use a spokesperson to take their campaign to the next level and Tiger can use a new endorsement deal. Having him promote condoms and wear a little condom decal on his golf shirts would be just about perfect, right? At the very least, he'd probably earn an A+ from the 'save our endangered species' advocates. It's a start, anyway. Plus, I keep thinking about that line from ‘Meet the Parents’…something like “keep your tiger in its cage” or something like that. And as a bonus, tigers are, in fact, also on the endangered species list. Even more perfect.

You can’t make this stuff up. But you can enjoy it when it happens.

Tiger again. Really? Still?

Help me understand something, please.

Just read an “alert” letting me know that Tiger Woods will hold a press conference on Friday, February 19. At the event, Tiger will break the three months of silence he has maintained with the press since his unfortunate run in with an obstruction in his driveway.

Well, thank you God. Our long national nightmare is over. Tiger will speak.

Question: Does anyone care what he has to say? Hasn’t he said it all by now? Didn’t he already apologize and tell us that he had to give up golf to become a better man and a better husband and a better father? Perhaps he’s going to tell us all about how he has been rehabilitated and can now be trusted to travel the world and have his zipper remain intact, something new for him.

I’m wondering why he doesn’t just show up on a course at a PGA event and begin to play the game that brought him his fortune, his fame and his dates. Say it with your clubs, Tiger. Finish at 8 under par; remind us of why we know who you are and what you do really, really well. Save the speeches about your tawdry affairs. It’s boring and distasteful. We don’t care how sorry you are, how much you’ve learned about yourself, and how important your wife and children are to you.

Maybe that’s just me. Because there is at least one group who does hope we care – a lot. The folks at DeCapo Press hope that at least a million of us to care when they publish the first ever biography of Woods in May. Promising “exclusive interviews and new details,” the book will no doubt hit the bestseller list immediately.

But wouldn’t it be so great if it didn’t? If it just sort of sat there on front tables in bookstores across the country. If the end caps went untouched, if the sales rank on Amazon.com or bn.com never broke into the top 100 titles, even just the top 100 sports titles, or the top 100 golf titles. Wouldn’t it be so wonderful if Oprah decided not to book him; if Larry King and 60 Minutes and The View also passed on a Tiger appearance? If not one morning show gushed over his revelations?

I don’t wish failure on any publisher or writer these days, given the tough economic times. But I do wish that collectively, as readers and the people who supply readers with content, we could elevate ourselves beyond this kind of “train wreck” mentality and teach ourselves to look away more quickly whenever stories like this capture the headlines and the airwaves.

Too close to call.

Today’s quiz: which life is the least horrible?

Let’s say you had to choose to be one of the following people. (No backing out – you HAVE to pick one.)

Jenny Sanford.

Rielle Hunter.

Rachel Uchitel.

I know. It’s a very tough choice.

Life choice 1: Jenny Sanford

By law, still South Carolina’s first lady, Ms. Sanford has just released her book, Staying True. I’m not sure when we passed law that said someone must write a book – or more likely, hire someone to write a book – after suffering some of life’s harshest lessons, but apparently we have. Then again, this yet another reason to admire Silda Spitzer’s reserve and quiet resolve. At least she didn’t write a book and hit the airwaves to talk about Elliott and his Ashley.) Otherwise, there is just no reason why, a scant seven months after the story of Mark Sanford’s affair with his soul mate hit our national consciousness, we get treated to the whole story of their marriage, courtesy of Mrs. Sanford.

As near as I can tell, Jenny is the classic “woman scorned.” What remains to be seen is if indeed, hell hath no fury like her. The book feels kind of benign as these things go, at least according to review on Slate magazine. The governor himself comes off as cheap, ego-centric and depressing. Despite that set of circumstances, Jenny seems to have achieved the life she was seeking there in Columbia. Maybe she had resolved to trade a happier, more rewarding life for one that afforded her a certain lifestyle as the wife of a successful politician.

So choose Jenny. The upside: You didn’t do anything wrong, except possibly stick with the governor for way too long. And you will probably live a financially comfortable life. The downside: Mark Sanford, and his frugal tendencies, his depressing outlook and possibly his Argentinean soul mate, will be part of that life forever.

Life choice 2: Rielle Hunter

And speaking of being connected to the father of your offspring, we come to Ms. Rielle Hunter. This videographer / mistress of former Senator / Presidential candidate John Edwards gave birth to a daughter a few years ago. After much confusion and conflicting stories about the child, and in the spirit of being a southern gentleman, Edwards proposed marriage to Ms. Hunter just a few weeks ago, the exact same day he also acknowledged that he was the father of her child. In the meantime, he and his cancer-stricken, outspoken, “alienation of affection” lawsuit-wielding wife, Elizabeth have separated, which makes the idea of John and Rielle being engaged that much more palatable for the rest of us.

At this point, you have to wonder: is it worse to be the woman who cheated with John Edwards and broke up his marriage, or the woman who ends up with John Edwards after he cheated on his wife? In Rielle’s case, she’s both; so either way, she wins. Or loses.

So choose Rielle. The upside: you and John will move into a $2.5 million beach house to raise your little girl. The downside: well, the guy you’re moving in with cheated on his wife and asked someone else to claim to be the father of your child. But once you settle in, maybe you’ll just move on, watch the waves, and quietly exit the national stage. We can only hope.

Life Choice 3: Rachel Uchitel

Jumping onto the national stage in a more prominent way, we find Tiger mistress # 1, Rachel Uchitel. Apparently, she gave such a fabulous interview to Mario Lopez about her life and the difficulties she has endured that “Extra” snatched her up and hired her to do a weekend report on what’s “hot” in Hollywood. She brings a certain unique expertise to the subject of nightspots and the celebrities who spend time in them. I, for one, am grateful to know I can count on her commentary and insight.

I have a question here. Was she not mortified at having been identified as one of Tiger’s many mistresses? Why did that feeling go away? I think I liked Rachel better when she was hiding behind Gloria Allred in LAX and calling off press conferences.

So choose Rachel. The upside: you probably have a couple of great gifts from Tiger tucked away somewhere. I hope so. Otherwise, you were just one of more than a dozen mistresses he had tucked away all over the country. The downside: your gig on “Extra” notwithstanding, your affair with Tiger Woods is the defining moment of your life and will remain so forever. And if that sounds dramatic, call Monica and see what she has to say.

a moment of hope to end the year

You know what’s kind of cool? And kind of gives me hope? The fact that AT & T, Accenture and Gillette have either dropped entirely or “scaled back” their business relationships with Tiger Woods.

I love the statement from Accenture, indicating that Woods was “no longer the right representative” for their company’s values. That’s the closest I’ve heard anyone come to saying he’s a scumbag they no longer admire. Good for them! Still to come, an update from Electronic Arts and Nike regarding their relationship with Woods. Gatorade, as previously reported, had ‘already planned’ to drop their Tiger-labeled beverage before the uproar that resulted from the unzipped fly heard round the world.

As I said, this sort of news gives me hope for humanity. It turns out that with the exception of the behavior exhibited by some of Hollywood’s movers and shakers, we are not quite as willing as we seem to look the other way when someone does the wrong thing. Hollywood luminaries seem to get a pass from us. Some people still accept people like Woody Allen and Roman Polanski. Based on box office receipts and industry awards, we long ago forgave the aberrant deeds of Robert Downey Jr. and the downright slimy behavior by Jude Law; we’ve embraced that champion of free (hate) speech in this country, Sean Penn; Britney Spears' tour ranked # 4 in Top Concert revenue for 2009 and we keep tuning in to watch the personal train wreck called Charlie Sheen every week, right?

We’ve accepted the endless parade of children born to Hollywood “partners” who are not married couples. And although it seems charming and adorable and hip when they do it, it’s not so amusing when that behavior is emulated by fans with about 1/1000of the income and resources their idols enjoy in Beverly Hills.

We’ve read tabloid coverage of the scandals and breakups of Hollywood couples for years. Not one of us stopped buying tickets to see Brad or Angelina after he left Jennifer in the dust. I guess we expect (to some degree) that stars will act like stars – and treat themselves to their every desire - and then enjoy the resulting headlines.

But with the news about Tiger Woods, our mostly dormant and silent morals (remember morals?) have exerted themselves and made themselves known. A USA Today / Gallup poll on Woods’ popularity tells us that his “favorable rating” has dropped even faster than his pants as a result of his out of town activities. He had enjoyed an 85% favorable rating in June 2005 and he’s down to 33%. Just as significant, his unfavorable rating has grown from a mere 8% to 57%. Not one of those points was lost or gained as a result of his action on a golf course. Every single point was earned or lost because he cheated on his wife. That’s it.

Then again, maybe Tiger had remarkably bad timing and appeared last in the long line of cheaters we’ve heard from this year. Maybe we’d collectively just about had enough. If you’re David Letterman or Mark Sanford or even Elliott Spitzer, you’re thinking, “Thank you, God” right about now.

In the meantime, kudos to the Board of Directors or the PR departments or the accountants at AT&T, Accenture and Gillette. Like anyone in business with Woods, I’m certain they were watching his poll numbers plummet and were less than pleased about the millions of dollars budgeted for his endorsement. I’m also sure they were wondering how well their companies or products would fare with those folks who answered those poll questions. But even given all that, some part of their decisions had to emerge from at least a few people sitting in emergency meetings in boardrooms around the country saying something like, “He’s history. He’s kind of disgusting. And we need to end this now.” Announcing a separation from Woods is one small moment of common sense in a society that seems to be sorely lacking it.

An indefinite break from common sense

By now, we’ve all read or heard his statement: “After much soul searching, I have decided to take an indefinite break from professional golf. I need to focus my attention on being a better husband, father, and person.”

I’m positive this has been said or written about already but I have to ask: when Tiger Woods says “professional golf,” does he really mean, “cheating on my wife?” Because that’s the only way this statement makes any sense to me. Read it again and you’ll see what I mean:

“After much soul searching, I have decided to take an indefinite break from cheating on my wife. I need to focus my attention on being a better husband, father, and person.”

Sounds better, right?

Look, it wasn’t the 18 holes, the fairways, the greens, the bunkers, the drives, the putts, and the chips around the course that got him into trouble, at least not directly. Clearly, his performance dealing with any one of those things brought him into the international spotlight and earned him his millions. That fame and those millions also earned him entry and VIP status into exclusive and high profile places around the globe. But why take a break from professional golf? What did golf ever do to his marriage?

I’ll tell you. Nothing. But the road from Pebble Beach to the Blue Martini Club is not paved with good intentions. Only through golf, and the travel and independence it allowed, was he able to spend time off the course, pursuing his desires. Unfortunately, his desires didn’t seem to be to return home to be “a better husband, father and person.” What he did with that time off the course led to his current status as the $100 million dollar man none of his sponsors care to discuss.

Let’s get honest. If he really wanted to curtail his transgressions and make up for them, he’d issue this statement:

“After much soul searching, I have decided to take an indefinite break from London, the MGM Grand Mansion and “Bank” at the Bellagio in Las Vegas; from cocktail waitresses, porn stars, Perkins restaurants, the Blue Martini club in Miami, “Butter” nightclub in NYC, and Trashy Girls lingerie models. I need to focus my attention on being a husband, father, and a respectable person overall.”

I have to believe Elin wouldn’t care one bit if he played in PGA tournaments when the Tour starts up again in 2010. After all, none of the news reports discovered that Tiger and his latest partner gave it a go in the Amen Corner at Augusta. No, all of his trysts seem far removed from the greens. In fact, the golf course may be the only place he hasn’t cheated on his wife. In fact, it’s the only place any of us can be sure of exactly what he’s doing, when and with whom he’s doing it.

So I say: have at it. Go right ahead, Tiger. Join the Tour in full force in late January. But Elin? Here’s one tip: confiscate his cell phone before he leaves.