I’m sorry to tell you that there was an assortment of cards with this message. Who could have imagined this? Honestly, the only correct inside message on this card should read: "… and congratulations on learning to read as a toddler!"
I have questions. Of course I have questions. Who sends these? Grandparents or aunts and uncles who are insane? Condescending "friends" from the moms club who just can’t help themselves? The local furniture store soliciting business for families in the youth bed market? Nannies who are tired of changing diapers?
Well, if you’re like me, you immediately start to list other occasions that have belied any card-giving status. Until now, that is. But before we go there, let me also tell you that an enormous selection of cards already exists for the following occasions:
Getting your braces on
Getting your braces off
Getting your contacts
Getting your first period
Getting your ears pierced
Earning a first chair position
Becoming a Big Brother, Big Sister, Aunt or Uncle
Congrats on your recital
I could go on, but I won’t. Greeting Card Universe (“any card imaginable”) offers 1,083 congratulations cards, fifteen in potty-training alone. (Fifteen. Fifteen messages about peeing and pooping on a potty chair. People have spent less time thinking about the text in eulogies or wedding vows.) Far be it from me to intrude on their already fertile field of greetings.
But let’s try to inaugurate a few more, shall we?
You lost your first tooth! Grammy and Grandpa are so proud of you!!! (Wait a minute. Just checked. These cards exist.)
Let’s try again:
No training wheels? WOW!!
What a big girl you are! You feel asleep all by yourself five nights in a row!!
Awesome!! You’ve eaten all your vegetables!!
Thanks for biking to practice once a week! So proud of your carbon-footprint awareness!!!!
Good job! Your geography diorama is amazing!!!
Congrats to our Science Fair participant!!
All our best wishes to the Chess Club second alternate!!!
But why limit this to the joys of early childhood and school highlights. Surely there are lifelong moments that don’t get their due as we linger in the card aisle. How about these:
Way to go! Heard you purchased your burial plot!
Congratulations on finding that loose change in the sofa!
Great news! You read nine complete New Yorker's
Wow! Super pedicure!
World's Best Junk Drawer Organizer!!! Way to go!!
To my dearest friend: I could barely tell about your Botox. Nice!!
And my favorite:
So happy for you! You’ve had your last period!!!
Once again, I'm falling back on my fallback. There are two kinds of people in the world: people who buy "we're so happy for you and your potty" cards and people who are endlessly amused by people who buy "we're so happy for you and your potty" cards.