Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Way to go! We knew you could do it!! You're on your way!!!! [Insert generic, ultimately meaningless platitude here!!!!!]

The older I get, the more I respect my parents and people of their generation who seemed to not only have common sense; they used it daily. Which is why they never ever had to come across something like this. My ff (facebook friend) Debbie mentioned something on her wall today that mystified me so of course I had to hop on line this evening to look around.

I’m sorry to tell you that there was an assortment of cards with this message. Who could have imagined this? Honestly, the only correct inside message on this card should read: "… and congratulations on learning to read as a toddler!"

I have questions. Of course I have questions. Who sends these? Grandparents or aunts and uncles who are insane? Condescending "friends" from the moms club who just can’t help themselves? The local furniture store soliciting business for families in the youth bed market? Nannies who are tired of changing diapers?

Well, if you’re like me, you immediately start to list other occasions that have belied any card-giving status. Until now, that is. But before we go there, let me also tell you that an enormous selection of cards already exists for the following occasions:

Getting your braces on

Getting your braces off

Getting your contacts

Getting your first period

Getting your ears pierced

Earning a first chair position

Becoming a Big Brother, Big Sister, Aunt or Uncle

Congrats on your recital

I could go on, but I won’t. Greeting Card Universe (“any card imaginable”) offers 1,083 congratulations cards, fifteen in potty-training alone. (Fifteen. Fifteen messages about peeing and pooping on a potty chair. People have spent less time thinking about the text in eulogies or wedding vows.) Far be it from me to intrude on their already fertile field of greetings.

But let’s try to inaugurate a few more, shall we?

You lost your first tooth! Grammy and Grandpa are so proud of you!!! (Wait a minute. Just checked. These cards exist.)

Let’s try again:

No training wheels? WOW!!

What a big girl you are! You feel asleep all by yourself five nights in a row!!

Awesome!! You’ve eaten all your vegetables!!

Thanks for biking to practice once a week! So proud of your carbon-footprint awareness!!!!

Good job! Your geography diorama is amazing!!!

Congrats to our Science Fair participant!!

All our best wishes to the Chess Club second alternate!!!

But why limit this to the joys of early childhood and school highlights. Surely there are lifelong moments that don’t get their due as we linger in the card aisle. How about these:

Way to go! Heard you purchased your burial plot!

Congratulations on finding that loose change in the sofa!

Great news! You read nine complete New Yorker's this year!

Wow! Super pedicure!

World's Best Junk Drawer Organizer!!! Way to go!!

To my dearest friend: I could barely tell about your Botox. Nice!!

And my favorite:

So happy for you! You’ve had your last period!!!

Once again, I'm falling back on my fallback. There are two kinds of people in the world: people who buy "we're so happy for you and your potty" cards and people who are endlessly amused by people who buy "we're so happy for you and your potty" cards.


Bernie O'Hare said...

Very funny! I got a kick out of this post.

renee said...

Well, that's a coincidence, Bernie. I got a kick out of writing it, too.

You can't make this stuff up. Well, I do - sometimes - but only when I'm inspired by real life nonsense.

Thanks for your visit!

Marlene Ozark said...

Can't say I'm shocked... SOMEBODY was going to come up with this idea.

But seriously, Renee, until you reach that momentous event, you have no idea how nice it would have been to get a "So happy for you! You’ve had your last period!!!" card. LOL

Marlene Ozark said...

By the way, I really enjoy your blog... a sane voice lifting us away the insanity.

Richard said...

How about a card for managing to avoid getting pregnant before graduating from high school?
(They didn't have day-care when I went to high school.)

renee said...

Yes - perfect.
18 and Child free!
You're awesome!!!

Or for parents of HS grads:
Well done!
Your son / daughter reached 18 with only one visit from a parole officer.
Nice work.

I'm also thinking about cards a wife can leave her husband of a certain age every morning:

So happy for you and your prostate!
Hope you enjoyed sleeping through the night.

The possibilities - as they say - are endless. : )

deepeea said...

I am enjoying your site. I mean this is exactly the same voice looming in my head but not wanting to say so kind of deal. I mean, why not have cards that celebrate all these milestones that parents go thru??? i'd buy it for sure. I have that humor and honesty in me... BTW, how do i subscribe to your site without having to search all the time?

renee said...

Thank you for visiting and sharing your comment. You have no idea. You don't want to know the kinds of cards I'd create if I could. Suffice to say: they would get very dark very quickly.

Buyers would stampede the stores, coming mostly from the hidden little society I like to call: "My family is - believe it or not - not ENTIRELY AWESOME ALL OF THE TIME."

Thanks again for visiting.