Awake at night in Allentown. Again.

Once again, my subconscious is alive and well.

I can’t remember the last time I slept through the night because like a number of people I know, I find myself startled awake by some idea or situation that simply will not leave my mind and as a result, I can’t fall back to sleep.

Since I slept poorly last night, I felt very tired by about 3 pm and tried to take a nap this afternoon. It was mostly pointless for quite a while and then I fell asleep. You know how I know? My dream.

I’m not going into every detail here – you’re welcome – but the highlights include the following:

I had a new boss at my current company: Barack Obama.

After several delays, he and I had a meeting in an enormous unfamiliar, conference room.

He handed over sheets and sheets and sheets of legal pad pages, all containing notes and figures. Nothing more formal than that – no reports, charts, or presentations.

He went on to tell me that my sales of $14,000 (I’ve not been in a true sales position for many years) were inadequate. I told him that figure wasn’t correct; that it was significantly higher but he didn’t seem to hear me.

Bottom line: I lost my job.

I’m still not a big believer in dreams but here’s what I learned from Dream Moods: Your Dream Symbol Interpretation.

To see a stack of papers in your dream, denotes lots of stress and lots of responsibilities. And surprise - I'm not handling it well.

To dream that you lose your job, represents instability and insecurity in your waking life.

Fired: to dream that you are fired from your job apparently has nothing to do with your career. It's a symbol of something else and a desire to end it. As a bonus, I"m "supressing" what I really want out of life.

I'm just a party waiting to happen, right?

To all this may I simply say: no kidding. Suffice it to say, life is more than a little challenging these days for many, many reasons. Working on it with limited success but I’m trying. Not one bit of it is welcome or easy. Despite my glacial efforts to make positive change, it would seem that even when I‘m sleeping, I can’t seem to find any relief.

I’m kind of tired of using the OTC sleep aids, which are not really a solution. So if anyone has any ideas about overcoming this nighttime wakefulness – ideas that really work – I’m listening.

The good news is: I don't believe in dreams.

Okay. I don’t know anything about dream interpretation and the truth is I don’t even believe in dream interpretation. But as I woke up this morning, I had a very, very clear impression of the dream I just had. Listening to people recount dreams is usually deadly but please bear with me:

I was behind the wheel of my car, with a co-worker in the passenger seat. She had just taken a new job and we were catching up on news. As we talked, I put my foot on the gas pedal but instead of pulling forward, the car unexpectedly moved in reverse. I stopped and checked the gearshift but it was correct: the car was in ‘drive.’ Tried again, but moved backwards again.

Then I lost even more control: the car just kept moving in reverse. I couldn’t stop even if I wanted to, nor could I see behind me for some reason. The side mirror revealed only about two or three feet and beyond that: absolute darkness. I don’t remember seeing or checking an inside rear view mirror.

So to recap: I’m not in control, heading backwards, into darkness, accompanied by someone who had moved on, into a new job and new place. I’m fearful of the danger; my passenger is terrified; and I can’t stop.

Then – miraculously – I was able to slow the car down somehow, stop and then begin to move forward. But even that was scary because for some reason, I maneuvered the car to the top of an enormous, steep staircase that would accommodate the width of the car. I turned to my passenger to ask if she was ready.

For God‘s sake. Am I that troubled? Even leaving aside the ‘Thelma and Louise-ness’ of it all, this is disturbing. I’m going backwards? In the dark? And even when I finally get to move forward, I place myself in a dangerous situation?

And why the passenger? To act as a ray of light, personifying the idea that it’s possible to move forward; that life can change in a good way?

Like anyone over the age of four, I Googled dream interpretation and driving. Believe me, you don’t want to know but here are a few highlights from the passage that discusses driving:

…driving a vehicle signifies your life's journey and your path in life…telling of how you are moving and navigating through life. If you are driving and cannot see the road ahead of you, then it indicates that you do not know where you are headed in life and what you really want to do with yourself. You are lacking direction and goals.

…driving at night suggests that you are unsure of where you are headed in life….experiencing obstacles toward your goals. Perhaps you do not want to see what is ahead for you or you are afraid to confront certain issues….feeling apprehensive about the future. If your view is blocked or obstructed while you are driving, then it symbolizes your lacking awareness of something in your life….overlooking certain aspects in your life.

To dream that you are driving a car in reverse, suggests that you are experiencing major setbacks in your goals.

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln…..

Three words to describe the dream and the dreamer: Directionless, lost, fearful. And even worse, even if I have goals, I’m “experiencing setbacks.”

But since I don’t believe in dreams, I guess I’m okay.

Insomnia, anyone? It can’t feel worse than having this dream again.