This is one of those times when things just seem to line up for my own amusement.
Not 24 hours after I read the news about Tiger’s upcoming press conference – in the loosest sense of the word since he will confer with no one at no time about not one thing – I found a story lurking in my in box that amused me no end.
The Center for Biological Diversity distributed 100,000 condoms just in time for Valentine’s Day, in an effort for many of us to love carefully and care for our planet at the same time. I didn’t know that human overpopulation has a devastating effect on endangered species but I suppose that should have been kind of obvious. The more of us there are, the fewer American Burying Beetles we have room for, right? Randy Serraglio, a conservation advocate, puts it this way: “Human overpopulation is destroying the wildlife habitat at an unprecedented rate.”
Back to the condoms. They’re called Endangered Species Condoms and while that may sound kind of somber, don’t let anyone tell you the folks at the Center for Biological Diversity aren’t a fun bunch. Buyers can choose from the six varieties offered: polar bear, jaguar, snail darter, coqui guajon rock frog, spotted owl, and the aforementioned American burying beetle. The fun begins with the slogans attached to each:
Polar bear: wrap with care, save the polar bear
Jaguar: wear a jimmy hat (a jimmy hat??), save the big cat
Snail darter: hump smarter, save the snail darter – sounds romantic, right?
Coqui guajon rock frog: use a stopper (a stopper??), save a hopper
Spotted owl: wear a condom now, save a spotted owl
American burying beetle: cover your tweedle, save the burying beetle (Can we agree if you call it a tweedle you're not old enough for a condom?)
Free condoms were distributed in any number of expected venues, including in bars and at parties, as well as other places like supermarkets and concerts, by everyone from grandmothers to rock musicians. Demand was high, and more than 3,000 people volunteered to give out the samples.
Best of all – and this was my favorite part – five lucky people who entered the contest will win a lifetime supply of condoms. I’m wondering how the contest rule-makers come up with the number that works for each winner. If you’re 25 and unmarried, you get X amount. If you’re 45 and married, you get four. That should be enough to last you for the rest of your life. If you’re 80 years old and you win, go with God. But I really do want to know what a “lifetime” supply is and who figures that out.
Let’s get back to Randy and his words of good cheer for a minute. With a population projection of 9 billion by 2050, we should all be concerned about the lack of biological diversity that will result from that many of us on the planet. And – surprise! - Americans carry the most blame for this situation. According to Randy in the press release, the United States has the “highest population growth of any developed nation and extremely high consumption levels….We should be taking the lead in promoting policies that will stabilize global population.”
Super. One more thing American’s are ruining up for the rest of the world. Actually, more than one thing since we’re debilitating several species and upending the eco-balance for the rest of the world in the process.
But here’s the kismet that I just love about these two stories – Tiger and the endangered species condoms. It’s not enough that his nickname is Tiger and there’s a condom with a jaguar pictured on the package. Okay – they’re not the same but they are both predatory cats, right?
Here's the connection. Isn’t Tiger at least kind of worried about the endorsements that are now in his rear view mirror as a result of his back door activities? Problem solved! The endangered species condoms could probably use a spokesperson to take their campaign to the next level and Tiger can use a new endorsement deal. Having him promote condoms and wear a little condom decal on his golf shirts would be just about perfect, right? At the very least, he'd probably earn an A+ from the 'save our endangered species' advocates. It's a start, anyway. Plus, I keep thinking about that line from ‘Meet the Parents’…something like “keep your tiger in its cage” or something like that. And as a bonus, tigers are, in fact, also on the endangered species list. Even more perfect.
You can’t make this stuff up. But you can enjoy it when it happens.