Thursday, February 11, 2010

Too close to call.

Today’s quiz: which life is the least horrible?

Let’s say you had to choose to be one of the following people. (No backing out – you HAVE to pick one.)

Jenny Sanford.

Rielle Hunter.

Rachel Uchitel.

I know. It’s a very tough choice.

Life choice 1: Jenny Sanford

By law, still South Carolina’s first lady, Ms. Sanford has just released her book, Staying True. I’m not sure when we passed law that said someone must write a book – or more likely, hire someone to write a book – after suffering some of life’s harshest lessons, but apparently we have. Then again, this yet another reason to admire Silda Spitzer’s reserve and quiet resolve. At least she didn’t write a book and hit the airwaves to talk about Elliott and his Ashley.) Otherwise, there is just no reason why, a scant seven months after the story of Mark Sanford’s affair with his soul mate hit our national consciousness, we get treated to the whole story of their marriage, courtesy of Mrs. Sanford.

As near as I can tell, Jenny is the classic “woman scorned.” What remains to be seen is if indeed, hell hath no fury like her. The book feels kind of benign as these things go, at least according to review on Slate magazine. The governor himself comes off as cheap, ego-centric and depressing. Despite that set of circumstances, Jenny seems to have achieved the life she was seeking there in Columbia. Maybe she had resolved to trade a happier, more rewarding life for one that afforded her a certain lifestyle as the wife of a successful politician.

So choose Jenny. The upside: You didn’t do anything wrong, except possibly stick with the governor for way too long. And you will probably live a financially comfortable life. The downside: Mark Sanford, and his frugal tendencies, his depressing outlook and possibly his Argentinean soul mate, will be part of that life forever.

Life choice 2: Rielle Hunter

And speaking of being connected to the father of your offspring, we come to Ms. Rielle Hunter. This videographer / mistress of former Senator / Presidential candidate John Edwards gave birth to a daughter a few years ago. After much confusion and conflicting stories about the child, and in the spirit of being a southern gentleman, Edwards proposed marriage to Ms. Hunter just a few weeks ago, the exact same day he also acknowledged that he was the father of her child. In the meantime, he and his cancer-stricken, outspoken, “alienation of affection” lawsuit-wielding wife, Elizabeth have separated, which makes the idea of John and Rielle being engaged that much more palatable for the rest of us.

At this point, you have to wonder: is it worse to be the woman who cheated with John Edwards and broke up his marriage, or the woman who ends up with John Edwards after he cheated on his wife? In Rielle’s case, she’s both; so either way, she wins. Or loses.

So choose Rielle. The upside: you and John will move into a $2.5 million beach house to raise your little girl. The downside: well, the guy you’re moving in with cheated on his wife and asked someone else to claim to be the father of your child. But once you settle in, maybe you’ll just move on, watch the waves, and quietly exit the national stage. We can only hope.

Life Choice 3: Rachel Uchitel

Jumping onto the national stage in a more prominent way, we find Tiger mistress # 1, Rachel Uchitel. Apparently, she gave such a fabulous interview to Mario Lopez about her life and the difficulties she has endured that “Extra” snatched her up and hired her to do a weekend report on what’s “hot” in Hollywood. She brings a certain unique expertise to the subject of nightspots and the celebrities who spend time in them. I, for one, am grateful to know I can count on her commentary and insight.

I have a question here. Was she not mortified at having been identified as one of Tiger’s many mistresses? Why did that feeling go away? I think I liked Rachel better when she was hiding behind Gloria Allred in LAX and calling off press conferences.

So choose Rachel. The upside: you probably have a couple of great gifts from Tiger tucked away somewhere. I hope so. Otherwise, you were just one of more than a dozen mistresses he had tucked away all over the country. The downside: your gig on “Extra” notwithstanding, your affair with Tiger Woods is the defining moment of your life and will remain so forever. And if that sounds dramatic, call Monica and see what she has to say.

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