From the “I almost can’t take this anymore” file, we have the following update, courtesy of Levine Breaking News, my absolute favorite daily news feed:
“Kate Gosselin is launching a series that will profile everyday women facing personal challenges "Twist of Kate" will follow the reality star and supermom as she visits the homes and workplaces of her subjects, where she will exchange insights for living. The 12-episode season will premiere in late summer, the TLC network said Thursday.”
First off, a reminder to those who haven’t read this fact previously. I’ve never once watched an episode of Jon and Kate + 8, the “reality” show that catapulted the couple and their many offspring into the national consciousness. But let’s assume for the sake of argument, that it was somehow entertaining and diverting. At the very least, it was a train wreck and many people couldn’t seem to turn away from it week after week.
Let’s also assume that Jon and Kate played their roles very well and the audience found ways to identify with them as characters, in roles, creating drama and tension. Let’s finally assume that the children – as close to voiceless victims as anyone could be – emerge from this bizarre chapter of their lives healthy and relatively unscathed as a result of their parents’ egos and pursuit of fame and fortune based on nothing more than fecundity and fertility drugs.
Kate has since moved on to another venue, a more glamorous train wreck called Dancing with the Stars. Once again, truth: I’ve never watched this, either. But my expert on the show – Howard Stern – tells me she comes off as rude and obnoxious. And that she can’t dance. What a surprise!
The question is: can’t she just go away now? Apparently not. Someone somewhere did a focus group or polling research or some reading of her Q rating and determined that a measurable and significant enough group in America was not yet finished following the adventures of Kate. Which brings us to TLC, which now stands for The Laughable Channel, because what they want us to learn is a joke, and their announcement of the new series.
If Kate is a supermom (hate that; it’s a meaningless term in every way), what the heck is she doing taping a new television show that has her visiting the homes and workplaces of women “facing personal challenges?” Why isn’t she home with her eight children? What on God’s green earth does she have to offer ‘women facing personal challenges’ in terms of brilliance? Oh, sorry – that’s not right. They’ll simply “exchange insights for living.”
Let’s pretend I’m a woman facing a personal challenge and Kate comes knocking on my door. Assuming I didn’t need or value her insights about life because I’m not also the mother of eight children including sextuplets or trapped in a loveless marriage because of a television production commitment, I’d like to imagine my side of the exchange would sound something like this:
“Kate, thanks for stopping by and bringing the entire “Twist of Kate” production crew into my living room; but I don’t know you. I never watched the show about your family and I’ve never watched you try to dance. I haven’t read even one article written about you, your ex-husband, or your children. I didn’t buy nor read your book and I haven’t tuned in to see you interviewed on any program. In other words, your notoriety alone is the one and only reason I have any idea at all who you are.
That said, you seem to think you can help me if we exchange insights for living. Super. Me first: Kindly leave. The day I believe - in even the most far-fetched, inscrutably infinitesimal way - that an ex-reality show “star” who basically exploited her children and private family life in exchange for fame and money could possibly have become elevated and enlightened to the point where she has something worthwhile to share with me about something as critical as "life challenges," based on nothing more than her kind of quasi-celebrity status is the day I take the tailpipe.”