Does EPL mean anything to you? If you answered no, I envy you.

Have you cleared your calendar yet?

With credit card in hand, women across the country are anxiously counting down to August 6, when they can begin a three-day journey around the world courtesy of Home Shopping Network and the little book that could, Eat Pray Love.

The book left me cold; the movie – which I will not see – sounds monumentally annoying. And now – God help us – Home Shopping Network has concocted three days of EPL shopping, offering the best of Italy, India and Indonesia to viewers and fans worldwide

Here’s a question: if the book was – and I’m guessing now, I have no actual sense of what this book was supposed to teach me – about finding yourself and getting authentic and real about what matters in your life, how does it make sense to build a commercial event in its honor? How does one woman’s journey of enlightenment, no matter how misguided and specious I believe that journey to be, turn into millions of women declaring her own self-hood by purchasing Sajen Silver and Richard Jacobs Multigemstone “Praying Goddess” pendants (only $379.90 or 4 easy payments of $94.98)?

No matter. Let’s pretend this all makes logical sense and the exact thing you want to do to prepare your body, mind and spirit for the EPL movie experience with Julia and Javier is shop all weekend on Home Shopping Network. I realize this makes little sense but just go with me on this, okay? You want centeredness? You want peace? You want a solid sense of self? Step right up, hop online or pick up the phone and get ready to add these items to your life. Let’s shop Italy!!

Begin your day with a cup of delicious cappuccino or espresso, brewed perfectly in your own kitchen with your De’Longi Combo Coffee Station ($169.90). Meet up with your friends for a morning walk after you pull on your “Fear, Who Cares” t-shirt. No doubt your friends will be wearing their “Search For Everything” and “I Deserve Something Beautiful” T-shirts, available for only $39.95 each. And in case you have to carry a couple things with you, toss your Sumatra Crossbody bag ($225) over your shoulder.

Later, you can indulge in the beauty of India. Invite the neighbors in for tea ($29.95), served while you wear your Ranjana Khan Prayer Bead Necklace ($349.95), while perched peacefully on your Taj pillows ($59.95).

By the time we reach Bali, you’ll need some “me” time. So make sure you have the EPL Perlier White Lotus Body Cream ($24.50) and the EPL Perlier Shower Gel ($22). Slip into your V by Eva Tie-Dye Print Dress ($99) and pick up one of your three EPL journals ($24.95) to record the best of your day for posterity.

One of the journals featured online showed this entry: “Endless days of sandals, slouchy bags and lip gloss. There’s a reason they call this paradise.” Or this one: “Everything tastes as good as it sounds. Or sounds as good as it tastes.” Wait a minute. Lip gloss = paradise? Something sounds as good as it tastes? What?

So there it is, courtesy of EPL and HSN. Just about $1,000 later, you, too, can be part of the “one-of-a-kind shopping experience featuring new discoveries in the spirit of EPL.”

Once again, as I have felt at different points of my life, I believe I’m missing some kind of girl gene. I remain mystified by the phenomenon that is EPL. Even if I don’t tune in to shop, and even if I don’t buy a ticket to the movie, I’ll feel surrounded by this societal zeitgeist that leaves me wishing that I, too, could escape for a while.

I know! I’ll just pack my Clever Carriage Company Hand-Embroidered Zardosi Leather Satchel (hand made in Indian cottage industries, $659.50) and escape. Maybe I’ll take a quick trip the ashram and just chill. With some outstanding wine and great pasta, after I consult my spiritual advisor.

Or I could just poke hot needles in my eyes. Which may be less painful than a weekend of this nonsense.